So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
