I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
