I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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