had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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