lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
