I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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