Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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