I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
