If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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