You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
