I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
