Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
