this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
