I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
