would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
