I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think your dad took our porno
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
