U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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