My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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