I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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