my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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