she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
