And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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