you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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