Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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