it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
