I'm going to jail i love you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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