I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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