New low: just hacked my moms facebook
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
