How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
