theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
