I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
