Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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