life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
