i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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