can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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