Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Randomize
