im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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