the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
