how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Dear god my vagina.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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