Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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