Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
