She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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