I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
