shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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