We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How does one acquire holy water?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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