I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
