who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
