I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
