i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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