I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
