Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
