I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
