i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
