i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
