I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Enjoy the penises
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
