I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
