my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
