Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
