hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
