Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
